Double O Zero: The Affable Agent

Ever wanted to be a super spy? Here’s your chance with Double O Zero – The Affable Agent. In this fun-loving take-off of the classic spy/adventure genres, you must rescue Matais, an informer, from the fruity clutches of the Orange Apple. Beware, for there are many perils you must face along the way. Avoid the temporal rifts and enemy spy groups in this interactive story, available for absolutely nothing!

Play the interactive version here.

Or read the plain-text version below!

Double O Zero: The Affable Agent

By Jed Herne

 

1

Your boss, Commander Periwinkle, enters the Secret Service office in a rush. He looks over the heads of countless other secret agents, trying to find the one most suitable for the next important mission. You’re the most experienced spy in the room, but there’s a My Little Horsey TV show marathon on for the next eighteen days and you don’t want to miss it. Do you:

Duck under your desk to evade Commander Periwinkle’s searching eye? Go to 4.

Or do you remain upright in your comfortable IMATICtm mesh chair, available from the bargain price of $24.99 in all good stores? Go to 8.

2

You walk to your squashed economy seat, watching the pilotless F-15 Raptor crash to the ground below. You buy a small cartoon of orange juice for $50 and hold your breath as the family next to you change their babies’ nappies. After a few hours or so, you look at your watch. The plane will land in half an hour, but the place you need to go to is right underneath you. Do you:

Ask the stewardess for a parachute and jump out of the plane? Go to 6.

Or do you stay in your seat and try to find your gas mask? Go to 9.

4

Using all your incredible spy skills, you duck under your desk. You bump into a bin and for a moment your spy skills are stopped. But only for a moment. You throw the bin into the aisle beside your desk and curl into a ball under your desk. You wait nervously as Periwinkle walks past your desk. He trips over the bin you threw out.

“Who did this?” he bellows.

Everyone points to your desk. Snitchers. You shamefully sit in your IMATIC(tm) mesh chair, marvelling at how comfortable it is.

Commander Periwinkle smiles as he finally sees you.

“You’ve been selected for a dangerous mission,” he says. “You must rescue our informant, Matias, from the town of Hubus Hubus. Your plane leaves tomorrow.”

The next day, you wake to the sound of the alarm clock. Cursing, you realise you’ve overslept. Probably shouldn’t have stayed up watching My Little Horsey until 3 am. You sprint to the airfield and commandeer an F-15 Raptor off the local mafia. You knew it was a good idea to keep them around. You fly so fast that you catch up with the commercial jet you were supposed to take. With the help of shady special FX and dodgy camera cuts, you board the plane and present your ticket to the incredulous stewardess. You realise it’s going to be a long flight. Do you:

Present your secret service card and attempt to get a first-class seat? Go to 7.

Or do you be a good little boy and walk to your squashed economy seat? Go to 2.

6

The stewardess tells you this plane doesn’t carry parachutes for its economy passengers. She opens the door and throws you out, but not before beating you up and squishing you with the food cart. This is good, because your flattened form catches the wind like a parachute. You glide down to the city of Hubus Hubus, landing in a pile of horse poo. The stench makes you gag. You stumble to one side, breathing in enough air to inflate yourself back to your normal size. Do you:

Come up with a snappy one-liner to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you leave the quips to Hollywood and try to find the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

7

Unimpressed with your secret service card, the stewardess beats you up. You meekly agree never to try to upgrade your seating again.

You trudge to your squashed economy seat, watching the pilotless F-15 Raptor crash to the ground below. You buy a small cartoon of orange juice for $50 and hold your breath as the family next to you change their babies’ nappies. After a few hours or so, you look at your watch. The plane will land in half an hour, but the place you need to go to is right underneath you. Do you:

Ask the stewardess for a parachute and jump out of the plane? Go to 6.

Or do you stay in your seat and try to find your gas mask? Go to 9.

8

Commander Periwinkle smiles as he finally sees you.

“You’ve been selected for a dangerous mission,” he says. “You must rescue our informant, Matias, from the town of Hubus Hubus. Your plane leaves tomorrow.”

The next day, you wake to the sound of the alarm clock. Cursing, you realise you’ve overslept. Probably shouldn’t have stayed up watching My Little Horsey until 3 am. You sprint to the airfield and commandeer an F-15 Raptor off the local mafia. You knew it was a good idea to keep them around. You fly so fast that you catch up with the commercial jet you were supposed to take. With the help of shady special FX and dodgy camera cuts, you board the plane and present your ticket to the incredulous stewardess. You realise it’s going to be a long flight. Do you:

Present your secret service card and try to get a first-class seat? Go to 7.

Or do you be a good little boy and walk to your squashed economy seat? Go to 2.

 

9

You find your gas mask in your hand luggage, breathing a sigh of relief. This is bad, because the person beside you farted. You jam the gas mask onto your face. You sit back – well, as much as you can in economy – and relax. Soon, you arrive at Hubus Hubus airport. Outside, a man holds a placard with your name on it. Do you:

Sprint away at high speed, leading to a dangerous chase scene? Go to 20.

Or do you stroll up to the man and punch him? Go to 15.

 

10

You stop. The man closes in, panting as he jumps over several rooftops. He arrives on the same rooftop as you. He brandishes the gun, yelling something about a booking. Hmm. This doesn’t look good. Do you:

Let him shoot you? Go to 21.

Or do you perform a series of unbelievable martial-arts moves in an attempt to disarm him? Go to 19.

11

You run as fast as you can, evading the man’s bullets with unpractised luck. Eventually, you lose him. You return to ground level and lean against a stack of hay. Unfortunately, a horse pulls away the hay. You fall into a pile of horse poo. Do you:

Come up with a snappy one-liner to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you leave the quips to Hollywood and try to the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

13

You look over the side of the rooftop. There’s a bale of hay carried by a horse below. You jump, aiming for the hay, but at the horse pulls it away. Fortunately, you land in a pile of horse poo. It cushions your fall. You stand and wipe the excrement off your impeccably tailored suit. Do you:

Come up with a snappy one-liner to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you leave the quips to Hollywood and try to find the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

15

You walk up to the man and punch him. Unfortunately, your fist, flabby from eighteen days of doing nothing but eat Doritos, barely makes an impact. You sprint away. The man bellows and chases you in hot pursuit (not to be confused with Trivial Pursuit, the game). Being the first-rate spy you are, you climb up a building, leading to a roof-top chase. The man following you pulls out a gun and yells at you to stop. Do you:

Stop? Go to 10.

Or keep running? Go to 11.

Or jump off the roof? Go to 13.

 

17

The North street is long and windy. You think about the words of your wise sensei: “When you feel like giving up, please, for the sake of humanity, give up!” Good thing you don’t feel like giving up yet. You round a twist in the road and spot a grape-shaped building. It’s the Orange Apple! Do you:

Strut to the door? Go to 49.

Or commando roll to your right? Go to 53.

18

You try to kick the soldiers. You miss. Leaping, you do a triple backflip, shouting ‘Heeya!’ You nail the landing. Your gymnastics teacher would be proud (there’s always a first time). Unfortunately, you didn’t hit the soldiers. In fact, you’re standing on the same spot as before.

Go to 34.

19

You make a swirling gesture with your hands. He pales. You’ve just made the sign of the Erumah, showing that you know the most sophisticated martial-arts on the planet. He starts to plead for mercy when you kick him in the nether regions. He crumples.

You look over the side of the rooftop. There’s a bale of hay carried by a horse below. You jump, aiming for the hay, but the horse pulls it away. Fortunately, you land in a pile of horse poo. It cushions your fall. You stand and wipe the excrement off your impeccably tailored suit. Do you:

Come up with a snappy one-liner to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you leave the quips to Hollywood and try to find the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

20

You sprint pass the man. He bellows and dashes after you. Being the first-rate spy you are, you climb up a building, leading to a roof-top chase. The man following you pulls out a gun and yells at you to stop. Do you:

Stop? Go to 10.

Or keep running? Go to 11.

Or jump off the roof? Go to 13.

 

21

The man pulls the trigger and shoots you. What on earth could you have expected to get out of that? You slump to the ground. The end.

 

22

You walk east. And keep walking. And keep walking. You walk so far that you end up in the Brightbush desert. Hey! This is where the top secret Zone 32 is located! You’ve heard about the completely top secret area many times before, in ads during the My Little Horsey marathon. You’re completely lost by now. Maybe they can help you with directions. Do you:

Knock on the gate and ask for directions? Go to 32.

Or trip on your untied laces, stumble over a sandy-coloured lizard, slip on a banana peel and crash into the gate? Go to 32.

 

23

You climb to the top of the sign, realise you need wood for a fire and climb back down. You gather wood and bring it to the top of the sign. You pause. In the distance, there’s an angry mob of animal rights activists. They’re crowding around a dead pigeon. Looks like you’re going to have to run for it before they find you. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

 

24

The Grim Reaper tilts his head to one side. “But then I wouldn’t get my commission.” He slices you with his scythe. You die. The end.

 

25

You arrive at a confusing sign. Well, confusing enough for you. According to the helpful sign, you’re standing ‘here.’ Four roads branch out from your position. One road is the one you’ve just come from. The other three roads go North, East and South. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

Punch the sign? Go to 28.

Climb to the top of the sign, gather wood and light a fire? Go to 23.

 

26

Good to know you’re not fooling yourself. The Grim Reaper pats you on the back and sends you back to the world of the living. You shove the crumpled remains of the sign aside and stand. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

 

27

You pull a rocket-shaped object out of your backpack. The commander looks at you in disbelief.

“Is that a jetpack?”

You strap it onto your back. “No. It’s a miniature jetpack. All the same thrust, but now with half the carbs.”

You activate the miniature jetpack, filling Zone 32 with smoke. You fly back to Hubus Hubus, slipping on your shades and straightening your bow tie like the debonair agent you are. You’re almost back in the city when the jetpack runs out of fuel and starts to splutter. Desperately, you search the ground below, trying to find something to break your fall. Your spot a pile of animal poo.

“Oh well,” you mutter. “Beats stone.”

You crash into the excrement. Do you:

Come up with a snappy one-liner to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you leave the quips to Hollywood and try to find the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

28

You punch the sign. The sign teeters back, but at the last moment a stray pigeon collides with it. The sign stops teetering … and falls towards you. Do you:

Stand still, gaping, like a ninny? Go to 31.

Or try to dive to one side? Go to 31 anyway.

 

29

You arrive outside a giant shopping centre. You frown. Did Periwinkle say the Orange Apple was inside a shopping centre? Maybe if you’d paid attention, you’d know. Do you:

Walk into the shopping centre? Go to 36.

Or do you pull a large fern off a tree and hold it in front of you as you walk into the shopping centre? Go to 39.

Or do you scale the gigantic complex and enter through the air vents? Go to 38.

30

You shoot a snappy one-liner in the direction of a bin. The bin stays silent. A pigeon glances at you and keels over. Cicadas bustle, breaking the awkward silence created by your horrible one-liner and the senseless death of a pigeon. Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before the animal rights activists arrive, you hurry down the street.

You reach a confusing sign. Well, confusing enough for you. According to the helpful sign, you’re standing ‘here’. Four roads branch out from your position. One road is the one you’ve just come from. The other three roads go North, East and South. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

Punch the sign? Go to 28.

Climb to the top of the sign and light a fire? Go to 23.

 

31

The sign is too big to avoid. It smacks you into the ground like … er … something that smacks things into the ground. You scream an incredibly high-pitched scream, making windows shatter (the panes of glass, not the popular computer software). Do you:

Die? Go to 26.

Or do you live? Go to 24.

 

32

The guards mistake your harmless act of knocking/falling as an all-out assault. Klaxons fill the air with noise. Guards rush around the compound like crazy ants, bumping into people, buildings and boxes that say ‘DO NOT BUMP.’ Eventually, order is restored and you are brought to the commander. He looks at you. You look at him. A guard looks at both of you. You both look at the guard. Everyone looks at the guard. The guard looks at everyone.

“Enough looking!” the commander yells. “We need a test subject for out new experiment.” And it looks like we’ve got a volunteer.” Do you:

Scathe the guards holding you with your legs, do a triple backflip and shout ‘Heeya!’? Go to 18.

Or do you activate your jetpack? Go to 27.

Or do you let them to do as they wish? Go to 34.

34

They usher you through a veritable maze of corridors. Eventually, you arrive in a gigantic underground chamber – nope, that’s the broom cupboard. A few hours later they find the right room. Inside, there’s a portal of blue and pink energy. It’s a time machine! Chuckling menacingly (albeit with a slight cough) the soldiers shove you into the portal.

There’s a whirl of colour and noise as you pass through the portal. You fall onto sand. You look up. There seems to be the usual things you would expect on Earth. Trees. Rocks. A dinosaur. Wait, A DINOSAUR? You gulp. The Dinosaur is big enough to swallow you in one gulp. Do you:

Curl into a ball and hope it doesn’t eat you? Go to 35.

Or do you stand tall, and below like a butterfly? Go to 40.

Or do you hide in the dinosaurs’ eggs? Go to 37.

35

You curl into a ball and hope that the dinosaur doesn’t attack you. You’re in luck – it doesn’t. The dinosaur is actually a peaceful vegetarian. However, he has poor eyesight, and like all dinosaurs is notoriously reluctant to visit the optometrist, so accidently squishes you. The dinosaur apologises and vows to get his eyes checked, but it’s not enough to bring you back. The end.

36

The shopping centre is gigantic and it looks like there’s some good deals on IMATIC™ mesh chairs. Distracted by the amazing prices, you fail to notice a group of shady looking characters encircle you.

“Give us yer money,” the leader says. Do you:

Give them yer money? Go to 41.

Or do you point to the advertising banner behind them? Go to 45.

Or do you charge at the window in an attempt to escape? Go to 43.

 

37

You scurry through the dinosaurs eggs and hide among its eggs. A perfect hiding spot, if it weren’t for the fact that the eggs are hatching. Within a minute, you’re surrounded by baby dinosaurs. They stare at you. The big dinosaur lumbers over to you.

Go to 40.

Or do you feel that you want another choice? Go to 40 anyway, you democratic scum.

 

38

You pull out a grappling gun. Unfortunately, it’s broken from when you sat on it during the plane flight. You toss it aside and scale the building using your bare hands (and the fire escape stairs). You squeeze through air ducts and enter the shopping centre.

As you look around, you find nothing suspicious but for a few salesmen attempting to sell you overpriced pillows. Frustrated, you ask someone if they know where the Orange Apple is. There’s a look of recognition in their eyes. They’re about to speak when a gunshot rings out. They fall to the ground. Your highly untrained eyes whip around, knocking over several pottery displays before you find the assassin. He runs away. Do you:

Sprint after him, ignoring the ‘slippery when cleaning’ sign on the floor? Go to 46.

Or do you shrug and leave the shopping centre? Go to 25.    

 

39

You sashay (walk) to a nearby fern tree and schlep (pull) a fern out. The tree slants (falls) anent (towards) you. Your eyes distend (widen) as the tree plunks (hits) you into the loam (ground). You’re contused (battered) and marred (bruised) but at least you have a fern (fern). Holding the fern, you walk into the shopping centre, to all the world looking like an innocent tree.

Inside, there’s great deals on IMATIC™ mesh chairs. Distracted by the amazing prices, you fail to notice a group of shady looking characters encircling you.

“Give us yer money!” the leader says. Do you:

Give them yer money? Go to 41.

Or do you point to the advertising banner behind them? Go to 45.

Or do you charge at the window in an attempt to escape? Go to 43.

40

The dinosaur decides to raise you as its child. You grow wiser (but smellier) under the dinosaur’s tutelage. You’ve almost forgot your past life when a giant meteor enters the Earth’s atmosphere. The meteor is so gigantic that it rips a hole in the space-time continuum. Screaming like an alarm clock, you get pulled into the tear. There’s a whirl of colours and light and all of a sudden you’re back on present-day earth, in a gigantic pile of horse poo. Do you:

Come up with a snappy one-liner to end the scene? Go to 30.

Or do you leave the quips to Hollywood and try to find the Orange Apple, the bar where Matias is? Go to 25.

 

41

You stand still like a pathetic little pot plant as they close in, laughing menacingly. You’re resigned to losing your life savings and suffering a beating when a magical pony crashes through the glass roof and spontaneously squishes the muggers. Confused, you wave to the pony as it flies away. Do you:

Keep searching the shopping centre? Go to 44.

Or do you go back to the signpost and try another route? Go 47.

 

42

Despite your best efforts to not win ‘squealer of the month’ for the tenth time in a row, you scream. You land in a convertible and drive to the airport. Some people try to follow, but they stand no chance against your incredible spy skills. Also, they’re on donkeys. You board the plane and soon Matias is safely home and you’re standing in Commander Periwinkle’s office.

“Congratulations,” Periwinkle says, handing you a gleaming medal. You gasp. It’s the Eastern Emblem, the most coveted award in the nation. You’re about to give a big speech when you notice that Periwinkle is looking at you expectantly. “This is a secret organisation,” he says. “You can’t have evidence of its existence.” It takes you a second to realise what that means. Then you realise. You take the Eastern Emblem off and throw it in the fire. Unfortunately, the Emblem takes too long to melt, so you flatten it with a truck and blend it in a food processor. You’ve lost the only relic of your incredible adventure, but at least you’ve had the experience. The end.

43

You crash through the third-story window. People watch you fall, thinking it’s some kind of publicity stunt for ‘One Way Trip: the Skydiving Shop.’ You land in a soft cart of hay. You relax. The hay is held inside a cart, which in turn is pulled by a horse, which in turn is directed by a whip, which in turn is held by a driver. By the time you climb out, you’re back at the signpost. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

44

You look around the shopping centre for a few hours, finding nothing suspicious but for a few dodgy salesmen attempting to sell you pillows for extortionate prices. Frustrated, you ask someone if they know where the Orange Apple is. There’s a look of recognition in their eyes. You begin to feel excited. They open their mouth and are about to speak when a loud gunshot rings out. They fall to the ground. Your highly untrained eyes whip around, knocking over several pottery displays before you find the assassin. He runs away. Do you:

Sprint after him, ignoring the ‘slippery when cleaning’ sign on the floor? Go to 46.

Or do you shrug and leave the shopping centre? Go to 25.    

 

45

You point to the advertising banner behind them. They turn around and are distracted by the amazing offers.

“Oh boy,” one of them says gruffly. “I could really go for that pink tricycle.”

Do you:

Agree with him? Go to 48.

Or do you seize the initiative and jump through the window? Go to 43.

 

46

You sprint after the fiendish fiend, vaulting over chairs, flower displays and small children. You round the corner. The assassin is ahead, but he’s stopped running, and he’s smiling. Too late, you notice the ‘slippery when cleaning’ sign. You slide down the corridor and crash through a window.

People watch you as you fall, thinking that it’s some kind of publicity stunt for ‘One Way Trip: the Skydiving Shop.’ You land in a cart of hay soft. You relax. The hay is held inside a cart, which in turn is pulled by a horse, which in turn is directed by a whip, which in turn is held by a driver. By the time you climb out, you’re back at the signpost. Do you:

Go North? Go to 17.

Go East? Go to 22.

Go South? Go to 29.

48

You agree with him, saying that you hope they still have the limited edition ‘Pony Power’ trike in stock. They all nod, appreciating your incredible style. Then you remember something.

“Weren’t you mugging me?” you ask.

The leader of the gang nods. “Thanks for reminding us.”

They close in on you. Do you:

Give them your money? Go to 41.

Or do you charge at the window in an attempt to escape the building? Go to 43.

 

49

You strut to the Orange Apple’s pear-shaped door. A guard shoots at you with his PGMWED-454E medium-distance light machine gun, but your swaggering gait throws off his aim. He expends all of his bullets and throws his gun aside. You slip on a pair of shades. He staggers back, blinded by your intense charisma. You saunter into the Orange Apple.

Inside are three rooms. You know Matias is in one, but which? Do you:

Pick the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you choose the second room? Go to 56.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

 

50

You load a tranquiliser dart into the blow gun, raise it to your lips and take a huge breath. You inhale the dart. A few minutes later, you wake with a start. The dart knocked you out! Now there’s only two weapons you can use to take out the guard. Do you:

Use the electro-magnet? Go to 52.

Or do you use the miniature blimp? Go to 55.

51

Inside, a man with an bushy moustache is holding a gun to Matias’ head. You tackle the man knocking away the gun. You and Matias charge across the room and jump out the window. Do you:

Scream? Go to 42.

Or do you remain calm and dignified like a world-class spy? Go to 42.

52

You turn on the electro-magnet. There’s a riot of movement as every metal object within a hundred meters flies towards you. Shrieking like a boiling kettle, you dive away, narrowly avoiding a pair of dentures and a scooter. The flying hunks of metal crush the magnet. The guard peers out from his hiding spot, still holding his PGMWED-454E medium-distance light machine gun.

He looks at the huge pile of assorted metal objects, mutters; “nah, couldn’t be,” and sits down.

The air still ringing with the sound of metal, you sneak past the guard and into the gigantic grape that is the Orange Apple.

Inside are three rooms. You know Matias is in one, but which? Do you:

Pick the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you choose the second room? Go to 56.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

 

53

You commando-roll into a wall. Wincing, you crawl into a bush and pull out a pair of binoculars. Pointing them at the Orange Apple, you realise that it’s a good thing you didn’t try to walk in. Hidden beside the door is a guard, holding a PGMWED-454E medium-distance light machine gun. You’ve got to take him out from a distance, preferably with incredible style. You lay out your weapons before you. You’ve got a blow gun, a giant electro-magnet and a miniature blimp with a thermonuclear warhead. Do you:

Use the blow gun? Go to 50.

Or do you use the electro-magnet? Go to 52.

Or do you use the miniature blimp? Go to 55.

 

55

You inflate the blimp and send it towards the Guard. It flies at him like a flying, shoebox-sized whale. The guard stares. All of a sudden, he laughs, but then the blimp nudges against him. Nothing happens. The laughter turns into a roar of mirth. The guard rolls on the ground. Not needing to sneak, you stroll past the guard and enter the Orange Apple.

Inside are three rooms. You know Matias is in one, but which? Do you:

Pick the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you choose the second room? Go to 56.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

 

56

You open the second door. Inside, a gigantic dragon sprawls on top of a towering pile of gold. He growls. Do you:

Wet your pants and run outside? Go to 57.

Or do you draw a sword from your belt and charge like a noble knight? Go to 59.

 

57

You clutch the wall for support. That was too much. At least you’ve crossed off one room. Do you:

Go to the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

 

58

You open the third door. Inside is a portal into another dimension, which has been opened by a mad scientist who’s drunk too much coffee. On the other side of the portal an alien army is preparing to invade the world. Fortunately, they’re only a twelfth of your size and are armed with marshmallows, they shouldn’t be a problem. You close the door. Do you:

Pick the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you choose the second room? Go to 56.

 

59

You go to draw a sword, but your pen is out of ink, and you don’t have any paper. You gulp. The dragon prowls forward, growling like an angry cat. Wait a minute! It is a cat. A cat holding a gigantic cut-out of a dragon in front of it. Laughing, you poke the dragon cut-out. It tumbles to the ground, revealing a fluffy cat below. Angry you saw through its clever disguise, the cat jumps up and claws you. Screaming, you rip it off, and run back into the corridor.

You clutch the wall for support. That was too much. At least you’ve crossed off one room. Do you:

Go to the first room? Go to 51.

Or do you select the third room? Go to 58.

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